Now, I’m not going to be one of these bitches screaming ‘FUCK MEN’ like a woman scorned but…
fuck men.
I love men, we all know this! What I do not love is an indecisive man, an ego driven man, a narcissistic man, a hateful man and if I’m honest the list could go on for a while.
Last year during my celibacy period, I reached a level of peace within myself that I have never experienced before, and whilst I enjoyed being bent over on a spontaneous ting; its no longer worth my energy. I always thought sex could be meaningless to me and this was true during my teenage trauma stage. However, now that I am fast approaching my late twenties and done a decent amount of healing; I realise this hasn’t been sufficient for me for a long time.
I CRAVE CONNECTION. DEEP CONNECTION. I was just scared to admit this to myself.
My entire life I have constantly strived to be loved and appreciated by a man. I can remember as far back as 8 years old and wanting to gain boys attention, to be desired, to be the ‘it’ girl; and for what? For a smelly little turd of a boy to claim me? I gave away so much of my power and in return I was abused, disrespected and lonelier than ever. I placed my worth in their hands, even though their grubby little mitts could barely catch a cold.
A major realisation I have had recently is just how sensitive I am. A part of me felt ashamed about this for a long time and in the midst of this, I disconnected from my feminine energy. My purpose over the last two years or so, has been to reconnect with my divine feminine. As a result, I have felt at ease, empowered and soft. I am comfortable just ‘being’ (even though I still get the urges to go and do, do, do) hehe.
I do not have to create content to be appreciated, I do not need to earn a fuck load of money to be respected and I definitely do not need a man to feel loved. The mere fact that we have been born, means we are enough. It’s our birthright. What many of us fail to realise in the western world is that we have been conditioned throughout our entire lives to feel like we are inadequate and that men are our ‘saviours’.
Ever since I can remember I have been exposed to media that tells me I’m not good enough, what I should wear and what I should do to ‘attract the perfect man'. This always created a friction inside of me because I felt like I should be loved the way I am. But I wasn’t attracting anyone I desired, so I must be the problem right?
WRONG.
In my denial phase, I was operating from my masculine. This looked like being the pursuer, aggressiveness, leadership and so on. I’m not saying these are bad things, on the contrary they are fabulous qualities, but when you are wanting to attract a man that’s not a complete wet wipe, the odds are not in your favour. Opposites really do attract. I was wounded and my ego was in charge of the game, naturally, majority of my attractions were wounded and driven by ego too and this caused conflict.
I had trust issues so I would struggle to sit back and let any of my men truly lead. I didn’t trust their decision making and a part of me always felt like I had to hide a lot of my intellectual side to ensure they felt masculine. I would do small tests on them frequently and the outcomes made me feel even more uneasy. It was exhausting and that’s usually why I’d up and leave. I just want to feel like someone is truly taking care of me in a selfless way. I have a tendency of over giving and this can result in my man putting his feet up and doing the bare minimum.
Why do I over give you may ask? My justification would be, because I want my person to feel loved and appreciated. I want them to feel special because I think the world of them and I want them to give me the same in return. Regrettably, it doesn’t work like that…
My parents are a true team. Some would say my mum ‘wears the pants’ but best believe she submits to her man. My mother operates heavily in her masculine a lot of the time and I see how this affects my paps. Sometimes my mum is cut throat and I love that about her but my dad can be a softie. In certain situations he feels emasculated by her but she always finds a way to drop into her feminine; allowing him to step back into his masculine role. My parents have been together for over 30 years and I see how their relationship dynamic has affected me. Not particularly in a bad or good way its just my conditioning, but I have also learnt from their relationship what I would and would not want in mine.
My parents have shown me so much love and compassion that my standards are fucking high. Unfortunately, ya girl just gets impatient and has a habit of settling for the bare minimum just so she can have ‘something’.
Majority of my long term partners have come from broken families. They’ve lost parents and are constantly operating in survival mode which made it hard for them to love me as deeply as I needed. I also had issues with setting boundaries and demanding my desires so I will take accountability for that. Hard to get your man to be vulnerable when you’re too scared to do it yourself, aye?
I don’t have a particular amount of time that Im going to be celibate for. All I know is that I don’t want to have sex unless I’m committed to someone OR the connection is so divine that its a healing experience for me.
My pussy heals men. No lie. Its like this exchange of decent physicality but I am usually left spiritually drained whilst their bouncing around like a new man. Then I leave and fuck them up a lil. Then they want to come back but they no longer have access to me like that. They’ll be a little bitter or butter me up and feed me what I wanna hear and me being the dumbo I am on occasion, believes them and falls into the cycle all over again - this only happens with my favourites though.
2022 is the time for new cycles and healthy relationships. That means friendships too!
Anyways, I’m grateful you took the time to read about my business and I hope you come back and follow my journey.
Will I have sex with the next person who falls into my lap?
Will I go back to some A* ancient dick?
Will my vagina quiver up through lack of activity?
Who bloody knows, you’ll have to wait and see!
Lots of love,
SIS xx
Comments