You know when you first start chatting to someone who actually engages your brain cells; not just your fanny flutters?
My soul is craving connection and adventure with someone who has an aura as handsome as their face. Intellectual conversations. Good banter. Knows how to lead. Just a down to earth, slightly beanie dude that can catch my vibe. But he’s got to have that lil something.
And that lil something is hard to come by… If you follow my instagram @shannonoliviaab, you will know that recently, I asked my audience why they are single. I got a lot of honest answers and that’s one of the things I love about my insta community. Majority of participants stated that it was a choice. The most popular answers consisted of: wanting to elevate themselves to attract the right partner, waiting for their equal and refusing to lower their standards to accommodate those who approach them. All of which I can relate to.
As stated in my last blog, I am enjoying my celibacy and I have learnt so much about myself and relationships as a whole. Im grateful I’ve had this time to gain a deeper understanding of my subconscious and remove that which doesn’t serve me anymore. However, a part of me feels anxious, this new space seems like I could get extremely comfortable and I don’t want to end up shutting myself off from men completely. This shit is peaceful though!
The thought of a relationship makes me feel iffy right now but then I have to ask myself is that because you’re being triggered from past events that weren’t right for you, Shannon? Or because you genuinely don’t want one? As I write this, I know I am just scared of it being the 'wrong one' again. Even though there's no such thing; we learn from all of our relationships. The wonder of using all of that effort and energy getting to know someone, for the possibility of it not going anywhere just seems exhausting right now.
On the other hand, it’s also fun and exciting getting to know someone new. Ultimately, I want to slowly get to know someone but super slowly, no pressure. I’ve watched my friends enter, leave and enter years long relationships whilst I’m still out here struggling to find someone to have a decent coffee and conversation with.
Part of me questions myself, ‘am I a picky bitch who is asking for too much?’ Then the anxiety tries to creep in and tell me that I’m not worth what I’m asking for. Absolute lies mate. It’s this insecurity that’s drawn the wrong men to me in the past. I know what I am worth and great things take time. Previously, when I started to get impatient for a ‘new prospect’, I’d seek external validity from those who were around me at the time. During the impatient phases, if I didn’t refocus my energy back to me, I would end up moving out of desperation which resulted in attracting the wrong kind of man! The fuck boys smell that desperation from a mile off. I’ve previously been out here manifesting nonsense because my internal world isn’t in alignment. This shit was a shambles.
I preach to my audience all of the time about finding the love within yourself so that you don’t feel like you need someone. I thoroughly believe it, because I know I do not need anyone; I thrive when I’m single. BUT I am human and I want a healthy intimate connection. Things that used to excite me, no longer do. A pretty face isn't enough. I want mind sex. Deep, penetrative, life changing mind sex. Make me challenge my beliefs, teach me new things, introduce me to new concepts.
JUST FUCK MY BRAIN IN ALL OF THE RIGHT WAYS, BABY
This shift has been a pain in my ass but also beautiful. There have been some hard truths I've had to face about myself. Now, I know my triggers even better than before, I am reading people in a better manner, I am protecting my energy and practicing not feeling guilty for it. I have previously, been putting a lot of my energy into ensuring other people are good and thriving and in the midst I’d forgotten about me. When I forget about me, my old coping mechanisms try rearing their ugly head. I find myself seeking connection in people that can’t give me the intimacy I desire. I smoke a lot of weed to escape the chaos and I hide in solitude.
The solitude isn’t bad, I enjoy it in moderation and encourage it to all. Although the urge to have my insides rearranged is prevalent, I’m no longer leaning on empty lovers for my comfort; I lean on me. I still self medicate with the weed but no where near as much. Mary helps me get through and I prefer a schmoke over a beverage - we all have our thing! Moderation is key, lovers.
We’ve heard the sayings that go something like ‘when you grow you have to let some people go’. Whilst this is true, we also have to say goodbye to our old self which no-one mentions; it's the most difficult part. We grieve for the comforts that no longer serve our highest good and in the process, we realise certain relationships have been based on trauma bonding. We loose people who are close to us AND a part of ourselves; its hard.
But completely worth it.
If we want a better life, we have to be better. I look back on the woman I was 2 years ago and she’s almost unrecognisable; in all of the best ways. We’re in an age where many of us want the results without doing the work. This may flow for a while, but there comes a time where we have to take accountability for our circumstances. If you continue to attract the same type of partner and the relationships keep failing - JUST STOP. It’s a sign you need to be alone to work out the shit that is preventing you from the love you deserve.
When selecting a partner the focus shouldn't be on how the person looks (I know that's obvious but some of you bitches be dumb) or how good the dick is. Ask yourself: does this person have my best interests at heart? Am I supported in my ventures? Do they provide a safe space for me to communicate my thoughts? Are we able to grow together? Do we have similar life goals? Do they give as much as they take?
By all means, you need to be attracted to your partner but the aim is for long lasting love. In a climate where everything is temporary, I think it's time we authenticate the importance of longevity; especially in our relationships.
If you have read all of this, are a male, 28 years of age or above and you feel like you could add value to my life… holla.
Loving you
SIS xxx
Image has been sourced from https://theyogahub.ie/what-is-tantra/
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