Hello my devilish little darlings, I’ve really bloody missed dropping you some juicy goodness. It's me, so obviously we're going to get into some naughtiness but before we do, let's get into some depth.
A few of you have asked where the fuck I’ve been and the truth is… in hiding! I’ve made some questionable choices over the past year or so, and the realisation of my growth (and lack thereof) has pulled me into hermit mode. I’m not mad about it, but I am ready to talk about it. As you know I love to write, this is an outlet for me; I’ve been working on some bigger projects in the background and that’s also why I’ve been quiet. You’ll hear about the new projects when they’re close to completion, but for now…let me mother fucking update you.
I love to fuxk…shock.
But if you’ve been following me for a while, you’ll know I’ve had a real love/hate relationship with men, myself, and sex. The burning desire for deep intimacy, mixed with the fear of rejection can really fuxk with a woman. And I’m not talking about rejection on a surface level. I’m talking about letting someone delve into the depths of my heart and mind, and them then abandoning or betraying me. I’ve experienced a fair bit of betrayal with friendships over the last few years and in typical Shannon coping mechanism mode; I’ve ploughed on without really considering the loss/ grief that’s seeped into my subconscious. As much as I’d love to sit here and say I’m soo self-aware, I know there’s a lot more going on in this little brain and body of mine that I’m not accounting for.
Hence the need to retreat and just work on my shit!
I rate my friendships HIGHLY. I don’t play about my people and ultimately if I’m letting someone thrust their dick inside of me, we need to, on the lowest level, be friends. I had sex 4 times in 2023. Yes, you read that right. Not with 4 different people multiple times but FOUR FUCKING TIMES. I’m extremely grateful for my growth because looking back there was a time where I genuinely couldn’t imagine my life without having a ting and a back for the ting. And a back up, back up for the ting. Men were my form of escapism, along with Mary Jane. Cant leave my babes out she’s got me through some tough times. She’s kept me in tough times too. We’ll save that for another blog. We all have a vice though, don’t we? I’m just glad mine no longer involves wasting my divinity on men who are less than worthy.
I mentioned a lack of growth earlier, truth be told I feel a lot of my inner-work has been reverted by a few questionable decisions this year. I’m being dramatic, growth isn’t linear, but my decisions have made me sad. Nothing like a bit of self-hate to get the depression pumping. We’re almost in October and I have had sex a grand total of two times in 2024. Both men were in relationships. One was married. I broke my one bludclart rule, NO HUSBANDS. I can smell your disappointment from here, hell I was disappointed in myself too. Was it great sex? It was but it wasn’t. That man was my TYPE. 6’2, broad build, mixed race, beautiful pearly white smile. Lordess have mercy pon me. I couldn’t fully relax because I knew what I was doing was wrong. But that girth, them lips, that moan, it was fuxking dreamy. I refuse to give you all the full back story for obvious reasons. In my brain the jump between boyfriend & girlfriend to husband & wife is huge. You’ve stood in front of the Divine plus your loved ones and declared your mind, body and soul to this person, that’s not something to take lightly or play with. I haven’t made the commitment, obviously. But it does upset me that I’ve entwined myself energetically into someone else’s situation.
Home wrecker doesn’t look good on my CV.
So, why did I fxck men who were not available? Well… because they weren’t available, simple really. I’ve sat here screaming about authentic intimacy, yet when it comes to my intimate relations, I’m choosing men who cannot provide me with the depth I desire. ‘Why?’ you ask. Because their attention and commitment are elsewhere, I'm subconsciously shook. This way the deepest parts of me can’t be rejected. I’ve not allowed it to get that far for me to even show those sides of myself. Physical touch is HIGH on my love language spectrum, a physical thing in the spur of the moment. So when I’m craving intimacy and end up in these situations its fuelled by lust and desire. Rather than curiosity, connection and devotion. I’m remaining disciplined with sex 98% of the time and then after a few drinks and cheeky chat, your gyals a goner.
It wouldn’t be a Caribbean holiday without some clarting now would it?
Husband aside, my next victim was someone's boyfriend a few months later. I don’t feel guilty about boyfriend situations, I won’t lie to you. It's a neutral thing for me. I’m neither proud or disappointed. I just am. By all means I do not go out of my way to ‘steal’ anyone's man. They land on my lap and more time I’m the one rejecting a few times, but them mother fuckers are consistent and at the right time, I’m weak. Cracker is, this wasn’t a typical man on a lads holiday, he was on holiday with his girl. If you’ve ever been to a RIU with a Pacha nightclub inside, you’ll know its a grub a dub situation 90% of the time. Anything is possible with the right amount of alcohol inside your system. To top it off, he was from my fucking home town, I didn’t know him before Mexico but a few of my friends did.
Picture this, a lonely young man (not too young I’m not a paedo) sitting at the sports bar after the evening entertainment has come to a disappointing end. A group of 4 friends, 2 know this man from back home, and request he join us. He does. Small talk is well underway and whilst everyone is chatting I’m looking at this geez thinking what lovely eyes he has. Love me some eyes. The 2 who do not know him, become bored of the small talk and want to go boogie in Pacha. Shockingly, I am one of those 2. Me and my home boy head into the sick scented nightclub, and lick back a few shots. The crowd is going wild to some Pitbull. I’m sick of hearing that dudes music, even 5 months later. But we are at the hotel, motel, not a Holiday Inn. Focus Shannon. We’re vibing on the dance floor bussing some moves, wondering where the fuck our other two friends are. They eventually make their way in, and our new pal is with them.
Full transparency, I can’t go into as much depth as I usually do because I was fucked.
I just remember feeling eyes on me and not trying to make eye contact because I naturally have come fuck me eyes. I was trying to keep myself out of ‘trouble’ as I knew the energy he was exuding all too well. I also knew he had a girl. We’re all dancing having a great time and then the party in Pacha came to an end. This guy is spinning me a madness, ‘don’t know what number room I’m in’ , Lies. ‘We top and tailing tonight, then yeah?’. Maybe. Next thing I know he’s in my room, my room mate is with the other 2 in the room opposite. The chat is chatting. I am a sucker for a witty personality and this guy was coming through. He is also a Scorpio, dangerous combo that. It wasn’t like we got straight into the room and ripped each others clothes off. I am so settled in my granny ways, I change into my baggy T, with a beer in hand, waffling absolute shit. Flirtations are flying. We eventually have a smooch, an aggressive one on my part. I just remember grabbing his chin then pulling him close, I wasn’t fucking gentle with it. Let me suck on that tongue, baby.
We make our way to the bed, he tells me to take my less than desirable T off as I’m straddling him. BOOM a titty is in his mouth. GAME ON. The foreplay was my favourite part of this session, it is a lot of the time to be honest. I’m sucking away enjoying myself, I grab a condom and tell him to put it on - safe sex is important kids. I climb back on him and ride for a while, the details of the night are so hazy. I know I rode, was bent over, had my pussy ate, and sucked dick in the shower. The eye contact was intense to say the least. But my favourite part? The naughty talk. It’s happening in between all of this, playtime was exactly that, PLAYFUL. I love that shit. I’m sucking on his ear lobe telling him I’m going to grab him from his Mrs on the sly the next day and fuck him. He’s telling me I’m a dirty bitch whilst moaning, I’m moaning back. Then I’m back to sucking dick. I tell him to put his legs on my shoulders whilst both my finger and tongue proceed to his arsehole. His moaning is getting louder and louder. I’m no longer a dirty bitch… I’m a fucking filthy one.
A blast was had.
Did I grab him for a quickie the next day? Absolutely not, the man could barely look at me. Oh the guilt and shame haha. He was nervous, we all know I’m not the subtlest of characters most of the time and I could tell he was on edge in case I did pull him unexpectedly. Don’t worry young man, you are safe now. It was funny watching him squirm though. Anytime myself and the team would arrive in the same vicinity, him and his Mrs magically disappeared. He wasn’t a bad dude, I know he sounds like a prick but he’s actually lovely. We’ve spoken since Mexico and he left his Mrs shortly after. He’s asked to take me out but I have declined; he wants a play mate. I want peace.
After all of that commotion I am back to being celibate, 5 months deep now. To be honest it NEEDS to stay this way until I actually find someone that I want to be intimate with without the influence of alcohol. The empty experiences are fun here and there but unfulfilling overall. I am so at peace in so many ways and its irritating that these cycles still come up, but also a good indicator of where I need to aim my attention. Slow progress is better than none, although I have fucked up with the husband, it was a lesson well learnt and will definitely not be repeated. I’m back in therapy on a more regular basis and I’m looking forward to unravelling some of the deeper wounds I have that are leading to the whole boyfriend fucking situations. It will be delightful to find that real balance rather than suppressing and then impulsively doing shit. Like I said earlier, I’m a lot better than I was, but there’s always room for growth.
Anyway, it’s been nice to catch up huns, I won’t leave it so long for the next drop, promise.
Until next time, Lovers
SIS xoxox
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