Sex or Celibacy?

Hello my dirty darlings, I have been in a space of not wanting to share, not wanting my voice to be heard, and not wanting people knowing the ins and out of my life. And my pussy for that matter. Hence why you haven’t heard from me. So whilst I’ve been doing this introspection and feeling my insides out - not in the sexual way your mind just went to, naughty you! I have had numerous signs to get out of my head and into my bludclart chest again.

The older I get, the more I realise dick just isn’t worth it.

By ‘it’ I mean the emotional aggro and absorption of musty energy that my sacred space endures when I have sex with a man I am not emotionally, energetically and spiritually aligned with. This isn’t new information, sharing juices is sharing DNA. Whilst some men look utterly godly on the outside, there’s nothing but a dirty, greasy, goblin on the inside. Its my duty on this earth to protect my fairy (and my fellow sisters who read these blogs) from this devious species. Especially after all of the years of non-intentional fucking I have dealt with. I can’t help but reflect on my past and wonder if a lot of my ‘unexplained’ internal turmoil, was in fact, my vessel trying to shift through whatever shit my sexual partners had dumped in me. Women, our wombs are the temple of creation, our wombs are built to absorb information and create life from it. We are so fucking magical and we should REFUSE to let anyone who lacks that belief anywhere fucking near us.

I am almost 10 months deep into my celibacy journey.

Full transparency, when I done the 12 months stint a few years back, I was still getting my pussy ate on occasions. I was weaning myself off the wieners. By the time a dick entered me it was just before the 12 month mark, so whilst I abstained the whole penis in vagina thing, reflecting back; I definitely done half a job. Not this time though. Do you remember the boyfriend I fucked in Mexico? Yeah, that was the last person to ever be blessed with my juices. These juicy lips (at both ends of the body) haven’t possessed a man with a kiss since. Like I said in my blog about that whole fiasco, it really made me think about my decisions. It’s difficult because my beliefs can be considered as contradicting. Do I think it's okay to cheat? Absolutely not! Will I be the one someone cheats on their partner with? Absolutely. Am I cunt for believing that? Maybe, but at least I know who the fuck I am. I will never seduce someone’s partner, the partners come to me, as long as both parties respect the relationship, I will too.

I am a natural flirt.

It’s fucking fun isnt it? Building tension, feeling the surge of sensual energy pass through your centre and submerge in your root. Not knowing whether it will lead to a physical manifestation or not. It's exhilarating. On many occasions, I find the build up a lot more satiating than the act. The apprehension mixed with fantasising is too fucking delicious. Only to be disappointed by the act itself. Jarring. After my last few escapades its been… uneventful. Not through a lack of wanting or options, but more through a desire for discipline and clarity. I felt like Goldilocks in 2024, the husband was too big, the boyfriend too small, I’m trying to find one that’s juuuussst right!

& More importantly, single.

A reoccurring theme whilst I embody this period of self-discovery is that even the 'good' men are fuckers too. I have so many great men around me, and I’m not just saying that. Men with big hearts, providers, protectors. Yet I see a portion of these same men moving fucking wild with their partners or trying to over step the mark with me. How am I meant to have faith in the male species when some of the men I know, who appear to be devoted to their women, would come eat my pussy at the drop of a hat? It’s conflicting. I know all men aren’t cheats and if this blog is coming across as a ‘I HATE MEN’ testimony then I’ve done a shit job at communicating, because I love men.

I just don’t trust them.

Whether it be because of my first partner cheating, the sexual abuse when I was younger, or the grooming situations from my teens to early twenties. I want to trust them, I want to pour into them, I want to let them lead, but I am yet to find a man I feel secure enough to do that with. I am slowly but surely working through my shit. Even trusting male friends to show up for me is a challenge. It’s only since I returned to therapy that I’ve really grasped the depth of the pain I’ve been harbouring. I genuinely believed I had fully processed the abuse and pain but I only compartmentalised it. I was certain I was in control in these situations, it's how my younger brain coped. So breaking that paradigm and realising that I was in fact, extremely vulnerable, was pretty earth shattering to me. I was on shrooms when this realisation first came in and I will never forget it. The unfiltered purity of holding my younger self and letting her know that its okay to act your age and have someone look after you, you don’t need all the fucking answers at 10!

There’s so many layers to healing.

This shit is not linear, I’ve taken 20 steps forwards to only have to take 50 steps back. As challenging as it is, over the last year or so I have really felt my heart chakra crack open. I am highly sensitive, as much as little me doesn’t want to admit it. I feel things deeply and after so long of believing this was a weakness, I know its one of my greatest strengths. It’s the very thing that makes me a fabulous friend, a sublime sister, a divine daughter and one day a wonderful wife and mother. As long as I remember to reinforce my boundaries as I can sometimes sacrifice them in a warped attempt to secure my place in peoples lives, friends or men. I’m not doing that shit anymore, haven’t for quite some time, but as we know its easy to fall into old patterns if the circumstances are right.

I kinda feel scared to fuck again.

Is this what the good girl virgins feel like? Scared to fuck? This is all new to me but I am enjoying it. What if I forget how to fuck? I had to giggle at that question because I know once this demon is released she is going to feed and devour like never before. Can’t forget what comes natural to you, it's like riding a bike. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t hungry, I am yearning for the closeness, the interconnectedness, the release. But that little demon needs to reign her claws in because the situations she mostly wants to attack, aren’t aligning with who I want to be. I could be living in pure innocence then she rears her troublesome head, and entices me with these fantasies that are so close to home, I can feel myself getting wet in public.

I’m not committing to a years celibacy.

I’m committing to a version of me who attracts the type of man that worships my depths, leads with gentleness, and fucks me good and proper. I might end up fucking next week, next month, or next year, either way I am proud of the progress I’ve been making these last few years. By all means I am no saint but my sexual landscape is looking a hell of a lot different to what it was and for that, I’m grateful.

Now, I know you lot love the sauciness and I would love to provide, but because of this celibacy I have no raw authentic stories to tell you, my sex life is usually what inspires me to write. To combat this, I’m starting a series of short erotic fantasies to get you going, taking some truths from my experiences and some golden nuggets from my imagination. I’ll be dropping the first one in upcoming weeks so stay tuned!

Until next time, Lovers

SIS xox