The Chemistry? UNDENIABLE.

Dear my devilish darlings, I am completely and utterly conflicted about my vagina at the moment. What does one do when one’s portal to life is consistently screaming for the key to be inserted, so that pleasure may reign free? When one’s waterfall continuously dries up and then flows uncontrollably destroying everything in her presence? What does one do when the exact thing she craves, she is forbidden to consume?

We know I’ve never been good at following rules…

What even are rules as an adult? Apart from the legal stuff, obviously. We have our morals, our ethics, the things we won’t stand for, and the things we’ll move heaven and earth for. Those are our rules. So when one of my actions goes against a general rule of the masses, am I right or am I wrong? The only way for me to tell is if my body responds with tension or ease. And is that tension or ease coming from the centre of my being or a biased space in my head that’s making my body react? Fuck the social pressures and everyone else's views. HOW DO I FEEL?

Oh the fucking joys of being a self-aware woman in her latter 20’s.

My conclusion to the am I right or am I wrong? I am simply Shannon and that’s cool as fuck. Go me. There is so much contrast and contradiction in this world. We do the wrong thing and act out of heightened emotions, doesn’t mean we’re bad people. We’ve just done a bad thing. Life is not black and white in my world, it’s grey…ALL of it. There’s darkness and lightness in every scenario, so whilst the masses may convulse at some of my decisions, I know there’s also some people who understand. The trick to living happily is knowing when to listen to each side and being comfortable in your choices.

So she preaches…

I know you’re thinking wtf are you getting at Shan? The simple answer is the husband! The one I briefly told you about in my last blog. The one I fucked in the dark so I didn’t have the visuals to replay and torture myself with. The one whose tip stretched me so sweetly, I melted on him right there and then. Yep that husband. I previously relayed how the sex was rushed, it wasn’t at first. My body was fully responding to him, submitting to him. The first time I allowed anyone in my sacred space for more than 8 months and he tended to it divinely.

Fucking on this occasion wasn't a heat of the moment thing.

I don’t want to contribute to the cause of someone’s guilty conscience so we spoke about the after effects if it were to happen. He assured me it would be his burden to carry and I should do what feels right for me. He felt right. Once I got into my head during the deed, that’s when I rushed him. When I started going over how doing this was breaking my one rule. How a vow had been made and broken. We both broke rules that day. The chemistry between us was and is undeniable. People around us recognise how we gravitate towards each other. Not even on a seductive vibe, just good chat and appreciation. We hold space for one another effortlessly.

The first time I spotted his ring, I was gutted.

Here's this sexy man, the chemistry is popping, and I can't have him, wicked. Once we got to know each other a little better, we knew this would be a sticky one. Brains and brawn? Goddess don't tease me! I was trying to be respectful but I'm flirtatious without realising. I was shutting shit down before anything happened and it hurt me to do so. Every fibre of me wanted him. He's a provider, he dresses well, he's intelligent, he's emotionally intelligent. HE SMELLS UN-REAL. The list goes on and on. This man possesses many of the qualities I’ve been asking for. Come here and lemme suck on ya tongue, Papi. Anyways, since we fucked, for obvious reasons I just ghosted. Let’s not make things complicated, he wasn’t a consistent cheat. It was the first time he claimed to do so and I very much believe it. I wanted to give him space to process. Myself the time to heal too, I didn’t expect it to hit me like it did. It was the first time in a long time where I felt shame relating to sex… a PTSD moment for sure.

Fast forward 6 months.

Eres muy guapo déjame probarte otra vez. It’s funny because when we first bump into each other, we both consciously try to avoid one another. We will be polite and say hello, but are mindful of how we are so don't stand around chatting. Eye contact be cray. The distance doesn’t last long anyway, we always end up gravitating together and waffling for hours. One of them ones where you can chat about anything and everything and we do! Was the chemistry still popping? Absolutely! Was I conscious that something could have happened again? Oh yes! Were we both honest and disciplined?

Fuck yeah, and I love that for us.

It was nice to see him after so long. We discussed what happened, where both our heads were at. I’d like to say this was an innocent chat, but as we know I have a way with words, and I had to drop some reminiscent lines in there for him. You know, keep his memory in check. I didn’t want him to think I got what I wanted and now he can go fuck himself, I respect him more than that. Despite me telling him to leave after we first fucked… oops. He confessed his thoughts and feelings which were similar and a tad more complicated than mine, obviously. He expressed his gratitude towards me, I done the same and we’ve left it as that. I know if we went for round two it could potentially ruin the relationship we have, I don't want him to hate himself or me because of a few fleeting moments of lust.

I respect this man, value his opinion and I want him in my life.

I could delve into the stories he’s relayed about his marriage, why he done what he done, why he should leave his Mrs and everything in-between, but that’s not my story to tell. I just hope he isn’t in an unhappy marriage for a long time. I hope no-one is in an unhappy marriage for a long time; it is genuinely one of my biggest fears. We all deserve to be happy! I am craving deep connection as always, keeping my standards high and refusing to let anyone touch me until I feel safe and cared for... husbands included.

Until next time lovers,

SIS xox